eighteen

eighteen is here. just like that. on the day that was eighteen, all i could do was be still, let my mind drift in and out of the vault. and bow to the annual arrival. and that's as much as i can say for now, despite knowing there is still so much to be said. for now, it will have to do.

here's to eighteen....

a flip of red

there was no rhyme or reason for this photo - nor any hidden meaning/message. just a painted middle finger. the only thing that makes this remarkable is that i painted my nails at all - including the nine not pictured. i'm loath to paint my nails. it's rare that i paint more than one coat AND more than one hand. i have been known to go a whole week with one hand with painted grey - yes, grey - nails. i'm odd. i know. have we met? but both hands? a rare sighting. why? i'm lazy. but really because no sooner does the polish dry then i start picking it off. no special occasion for this one-off. i simply had 45 uninterrupted minutes to myself in the bathroom and i decided to paint my nails. feeling somewhat astonished that i managed to avoid making my fingers look like i had mauled a small animal, i decided to share on the social pages of the Facebook.

my intent, Your Honor, was to show one full hand. and just as i went to push the little button, i flipped my mind and the bird. and posted anyway. it felt true enough, so...i did it. think i was inspired. 

before i clicked the picture, i had a flash of my great aunt and a photo of her from a long ago gathering. there she was, seated with people i don't know, everyone decked out in their best late '80's Delta Burke shoulder-padded poly-silk blend dress, big hair, red lipsticked lips and nails. she's looking very sophisticated, as usual. flashing her signature smile...and flipping the bird. :::sigh::: i love her and i love that picture.

i have thought of it often over the last year. when i've been in the company of people who illicit scratchy-wool feelings, or have caused me to tug at the stitches of my own skin, i have thought of that image and settled more comfortably into my awkwardness. like it was an inside joke between the two of us. or simply a quirky reminder meant only for me in those moments. a reminder to not take myself or my temporary discomfort too seriously. the moment, like the Delta Burke poly-silk shoulder padded bit of awesomeness, will pass away.

the year that was 2012 was certainly not for those who like to avoid scratchy-wool feelings and continual opportunities for personal (and professional) growth. if you know me, you can only imagine how well i fared. it was a haze or i was hazed. either way, i'm adrift now. sails are down and slack. i'm idle. and really, that is just fine with me. i'm not bothering with looking at what's on the horizon just yet. i'm happy to be content with 45 uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom to contemplate my navel, paint my nails or all of that stuff like that there. for whatever comes along, it too will pass away as soon as it arrives.

love ya, AD. kisses.

in the books

Christmas Eve



Ladies Breakfast at the Inn

the Arizona Inn is a local treasure, established by Isabella Greenway (a heroine in her own right). G and i followed his sister's trendy lead and held our wedding reception here. every Christmas since, my mother-in-law and i go to the Inn for breakfast. we start with a brief sit by the fire in the library and marvel at the tree - which is usually their second of the season, as they freshen it up for their guests. this year, we expanded the table to include my sisters-in-law, their daughters, and my other sister-in-law's mother. a table of eight. next year, we'll hope my mom can join us.



behold, the tree!

it smelled as divine as it looked. a few years ago, i called ahead to see if the tree was up and was informed it had been taken down and was in the process of being replaced. i asked if i could watch them decorate the new one when it arrived and was told i could. i never made the time to go. next year maybe.



fireside chat.

the girl and her cousin were sitting side-by-side, heads close in whispery story telling on the sofa near the fire while the older ladies fussed over the tree. postcard perfect scene. this is where having to rely upon my phone for photos makes me grumpy. nevertheless, having captured it - for whatever the quality is and whatever is not quite captured still - makes me very happy.



luminaries in the front...

just as we have the three years prior, we lined luminaries in the front, up the walk way and around the cul-de-sac. it's our little gift to our neighbors. as i type this, all of these bags are now a soggy mess after the rain. so much for making them last for New Year's.



...and luminaries in the back. bliss.

after our trip to the Botanical Garden's Luminaria Nights event, i vowed this year we'd put luminaries on the wall in the backyard. this was my favorite of the season this year. G lit all sixty. he scored pretty big points in my book.

we accomplished quite a bit this year. our activity calendar was full. while i hate that the season is coming to a close, i count it as a pretty full-sails triumph. after all, my only goal was to be sure that we were the masters of our own magical moments. we were. and when we could, we did our best to share some of that with our family and friends.

speaking of sharing magic with friends...the Elfing.

below are the few snaps i managed to get before wrapping up this festive, treaty version of "ding-dong-ditch". our final Elf outing was in a car. yes, you read that correctly. IN a car. a minivan, to be exact. while we managed to cross off each Elfing stop from our list, we didn't take snaps of the final "delivery"...namely because i'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. and a big scaredy cat. lurking around houses late at night isn't exactly a wise thing to do with two small children in tow. while our friends might not care, we couldn't be sure their neighbors would quite get the gist of our better intentions.








































nothing too extravagant in these packages. just a little cheer.



sure, these were trinkets and dollar aisle finds, but we tried to package them like they were something special.



Elfing road kit. paper chains, goody baskets and note. o, what fun!


we tied up the holiday nice and swiftly, the ribs were the best ever (this is according to G and only the first batch), the halls properly decked, and the activities unending. and while the sails are pretty full, it all went by too swiftly. and we got sloppy. a few things were forgotten. in fact, the most important piece was quite overlooked: i never got around to putting the creche out. this one bothers me the most. it crept up on me while seated in church for the Christmas Eve service. we hustled right past the blessing of the season, right down the aisles and straight toward cash registers without pausing to remark upon the meaning of it all. so, on New Year's Day, the creche is being put out. for the whole year. a reminder to not be in such a hurry in the doing that we overlook the reason why we're doing it at all.

the 2012 net-net - o, how i love a "net-net" synopsis! - it was a humbling year. one full of butt-kicking lessons i'm still processing, many of which - i hope - will guide me to live more mindfully in 2013. the my attitude needs more gratitude, my mind and my worry more rest, my ears more silence, my heart more music, my sails more wind...








































...and my feet more adventures with G and these two.

like all the years before, there is a list of what we'll let go of, as well as what we'll need to do better, prepare and plan ahead for. and if we're mindful of our moments, we'll be sure to document and embrace all of the "swoon-where-your-feet-are-planted" events, even if we have to rely upon our phone's camera to capture them.

happy New Year, friend. may your 2013 yearbook be full of moments that make you swoon, no matter where your feet take you.

besos.
me

f*@king furious flurry...

there's a voice in my head - among many, with a wide selection of talking points - that suggests if i sit earnestly still, then time will have no choice but to yield and slow down with me. i'm straining against time. always straining against time...

we have ticked more off of our holiday list and while i'm glad for the sense of accomplishment at being the masters of our own magical moments, i'm sad to see how little time we have left in this season. we have a few more crafts, a concert, maybe a movie or two, a trip to see wee things. and a much anticipated afternoon with my very best and dear friend. one more friend to Elf, which i think will happen tomorrow. :) hoping a the "hey mister postman" piece has arrived. no photos of that one, i'm afraid.



i want to shove past the mental mess and get through to the inspired ideas. i'm getting there, i think. i hope. constantly buoyed by those dear sweethearts in my midst. and anxiously awaiting more clouds in my skies, rain on our roof, and a dusting of more snow on the mountains.

more soon.
xxoo,
j-

in the absence of answers

we haven't talked to our kids yet. we will tomorrow but we're letting them enjoy their weekend a little longer before we get into this very hard conversation. before they return to school, they'll know as much as their little hearts need to know. and no more.

the boy is anxious already about the fire drills, the lock down drills. he's made it his business to keep track of the calendar of these planned exercises. this will no doubt create a whole new level to our conversations about why we practice, how we are safe while we practice, and in an emergency, the practice will keeps us safe.

i can't even think about the girl. she's the same age. the same grade. she's lost in the same bubble gum bliss and wonder many of these children were frolicking in. i want to keep her there. taking her into this new subdivision of the world, at this age...feels like i'm ripping her off.

this latest event proves once again that there are no guarantees. no matter how often you practice, how well you prepare, things still go terribly wrong. and as 20 families are so acutely aware, not one parent is given a golden ticket of assurance that their child won't be ripped away from them too soon. any time a parent loses a child, it's too soon. to a parent, as the elder in the relationship, a child is always in some stage of infancy in their voyage through this life. to witness a parent walking through the threshold of this new normal - to be without their tangible pieces of immortality - is beyond words and simply causes souls to quake.

like so many parents embarking upon this new frontier, we will face a lot of questions from both of our people. who knows if we're prepared to answer them all. in the absence of answers, we'll be left with no other alternative than to just love them.

o! what fun...

how did the Elfing go, you ask? fine. a little nerve-wracking, but nobody was arrested. bonus. photos? sure. a few. sharing? oh, yes. when? clearly, you and i have not yet met. hi, my name is Jen and i'm a procrastinator extraordinaire. welcome to my world of wishful thinking and half-ass/completed projects and dreams. :)

in my defense, i have a few more casas to "hit" - both in the very near geographical sense, and then in the "hey there, Mr. Postman" sense. then there's the obligatory "let's wait to be sure we're not spoiling anything"...i aspire to be done by the end of the week. and then i'll post my very elementary photos. :) that's a goal. maybe one i can make before the end of the year...we'll see.

getting reacquainted with the photo thingy. like the adult vocab? ;)

currently, i'm fussing with a clock my grandmother bought on a trip to Germany years ago. it is fickle as hell and giving me fits. if i can get the poor dear to work properly, i will be very glad. the ticking of the pendulum makes me happy in a restful sense. a soft little cluck, like a wee heartbeat, soft and slow. so once we have learned to get along, it will be bliss. but right now...damn it, clock! behave!

and in other news...we're moving on with our merry ball-busting bliss. word up, homeslice.

last week, i made the Christmas Eve reservations made for a ladies breakfast at the Inn. we have a show on our agenda this evening...and a tree tomorrow. :) the people spent the night with my mom over the weekend and came back in time to check out the Luminaria Night at the nearby botanical gardens.


i'd like my backyard to be outfitted like this, please. thank you.

while the people were away, G and i got away for a dinner event for a quite lovely and amazing friend. a bit of a drive and if we didn't have the dog to worry over, we would have stayed. it felt like walking inside a snow globe...minus the snow, of course.


Bisbee, AZ at night. i must go back there soon...oh yes.

take a picture walk with me. imagine the holiday season is the adult, walking about its way. briskly. and somewhat aloofly, if you ask me. now picture me. the hysterical child wrapped around its ankles begging it to not go too quickly.

this is true on multiple fronts right now. time is the adult and i'm the hysterical mother begging it to slow the fuck down. while the girl is still busy twirling in her daydream bliss, the boy is beginning to see the world from a thinner veil. and i'm ever more the tantrum-riddled child demanding everyone stop growing up so damn fast.


speaking of veiled innocence...i give you "Bambi Meets Thunder Dome" aka "Craft-challenged mama traps motherless fawn under empty vino glass." "where's my mama? won't you let me out to find my mama?" poor, poor fawn...makes me want to cry. damn you, Pinterest. now what if i could put my kids in a dome of suspended time...?

if it comes to your town, i highly recommend partaking in the Color Vibe. it was a blast. i had rainbow colored snot for days, but it was worth it.


yes, i did this. well, i half-assed this. took a potty break halfway through the race and the hover-squat over the port-a-john seat killed what was left of my thighs. i'm so pathetically out of shape...it'd be funny if there wasn't the age thing showing up these days.

other holiday whatnots...


i bought the dog a new collar. he likes it. he likes me better, tho. and i like him alright. 



George-Bob arrived. two first names because we couldn't decide which suited him and it blew up into an epic fight between my people. so the boy thinks he's George and the girl thinks he's Bob. and i say nothing and no one gets hurt. 

ugh. the clock is having a tantrum. and i have floors to mop before the people are to be collected from school. more soon.

until then...besos.

merry whatnots

i have been away from the blogging for so long that the photo thingy i used to use is now foreign to me and will require something of a switching up. i haven't the energy nor the patience currently, so we're going a little old school for a spell. you don't mind, do you? of course not. you're the best!

the people have been to see the Big Guy. both quite pleased and feel that since they've had their chat, handed over their lists, have the photographic documentation of their visit, that they now have nothing but a hall pass for crappy behavior. that will be remedied. {maniacal laugh}

the Big Guy with the people. my people are on your left. the other two belong to dear friend.

all the decorations - and i mean all that will make it out this year - are out and up. we wait only on the tree. the crap-table is cleared off (and awaits another Pinterest inspired project. i'm insane.), the kitchen counter top is cleared and the breakfast bar is usable for the first time in...forever! in fact, last night when i told the people to come eat their dinner at the bar, their faces went blank and they turned around in disoriented circles a few times before i steered them in the right direction. the boy: "oh! there? wow. ok."

i'm taking care to ensure we have all the entertaining :::eh-hem::: necessities pulled together and stock piled.

mine. wow. that didn't come out right at all. sounded greedy. what i meant to say was this bottle is for me. where's yours? 

i have a hoarder's dream collection of Elfing goodies, but have been struggling to pull together the last minute touches. 

Elfing goodies. for the "of age" girls and boys. ;) yes, these are quite smaller than the bottles i buy for myself. i'm not Warren Buffett, you know.

a bagillion snowflakes have been cut (!) and will join the paper chains. think of Elfing like t.p.ing...but more festive! i don't promise a Martha Stewart finish, but i am only shooting for a few pals to feel a little extra special and appreciated. 

the girl started to help with the cutting of paper snowflakes...

...and then she ditched me to watch the tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. i finished the damn snowflakes and now i can't feel my finger tips. this book is quite handy and makes any cutter of paper create finished work that would make Edward Scissor Hands look like he used safety shears. 

my goal has been to cross this project off the list this Saturday, because one should have something fun and festive to kick off December, no? but EARLY Saturday morning i'll be crashing my sweet friend's plans and joining her at this event. i pray i make it out alive and not on a gurney. considering i haven't been training...this mama's gonna need a Christmas miracle.  

and just because i know you were curious, we did not win the PowerBall. balls. so at some point, when the merry whatnots have been tended to, i must sit down and give earnest thought to what i'm going to do in the New Year. suggestions welcome. 

now, off to bed with you. we'll chat again soon.

xxoo